Va Va Voom's Blog - Porn Store Etiquette - A guide for the mis-guided

Porn Store Etiquette - A guide for the mis-guided

June 15, 2009 8:15:50 AM MDT

After owning an adult boutique for more than 8 years, I have seen it all. Retail can be a rewarding experience, but once in great while you deal with people who need a real lesson in etiquette. Seriously, I want to know who raised these people? Some people don’t know how to act in public and need a few lessons on how not to be a prick in your local adult store.

I took a poll from our employees to find their biggest pet peeves. Interestingly enough, there are a number of behaviors that creeped, freaked and grossed out every single one of them.

Therefore, I’ve taken it upon myself to give you a lesson in Porn-shop Etiquette

Your Sexual Tryst Invitation: Come on... Do you know how many perverts come into adult stores and attempt to entice the employees to go roll in the hay with them? Do you think that your invitation is original? Get a life. Just because we work in an adult store doesn’t mean that we’ll put out for you. Although we may act a little slutty (just for you), we’re not going to do the horizontal mambo with you. If you use the local porn-shop as a pickup joint, you are probably an anti-social, stinky pervert. We love you as a customer, we’re just not in love with you. We’re not interested in your threesome, swinging or other fucked up fantasy of us hooking up.
Hygiene. Take a fucking bath. Enough said.
Have you seen this porn? I bet that I wouldn’t be working at a porn shop if I had a dollar for every time some person asked me that question. I don’t want to be rude, but did you know that the porn industry releases over 10,000 DVD titles a year? If you do the simple math, you’d see that I don’t have time to watch every single porn. The average porn runs about 90 minutes. This means that I would have to watch 900,000 minutes of porn to have seen the exact DVD that you are eying. Chances are I didn’t want to spend 1.7 years of my life to become your personal porno reviewer. If you like the theme of the film and the pictures on the cover, you’ll probably like the porn.
How about watching this porn with me? Eeewwwww!!!!! Um, no! Why would I actually take time out of my life to watch that porn with you? I don't even know you. If you've asked me that question, you're either gross, desperate or don’t have a life. Do you think that I want to join your frap party with you and your friends? I don’t think so. Don’t invite me. Don’t even think about it. It’s not going to happen. Ever.
Strippers. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to go postal on a stripper. If you are a stripper, I’ll give you a discount. We work in the adult entertainment industry also, and are here to serve you, but don’t come in cracked out and expect us to give a shit. Just be courteous to our employees. They love you, they're just not in love with you.
Are you the old dude who looks at EVERY porn? Seriously, grow up already! Don’t be the weird old man who can't even say two words to us. You head straight to the porn section, pick up and study each and every DVD on both sides. A few hours later, you leave the store in a rush, without buying any. We run a business, not a charity frap fantasy. If you got your rocks off for the next few hours, at least buy some lubricant. It will save you the chafing. Please, leave before you use the lubricant. Please.
Staring at my breasts: Now I understand that it’s in the male psyche to stare at the closest pair of breasts. I even understand that it can be a good joke. But don’t walk in and stare at the poor sales girl’s breast. WTF Moment: Walking up to me and staring at my cleavage without saying a word. It’s just plain rude and gross. We think you’re just a creepy pervert. My eyes are about 12 inches higher. Have some fucking respect and talk to me like I’m a human, not a character in your sicko fantasy.
Don’t cop an attitude when I ask you for ID. Take it as a complement. I am just doing my part to help the fascist government keep people under 18 out of the porn store. Be flattered you look young. I’d love to see pornographic websites get the same flack as a retail store does.
How many masturbators can you break? Dude, seriously, spend the money at a bar trying to get laid. It’s probably cheaper and will not gross us out so much. We don’t give a shit about the size of your member. There are hundreds of penises on our walls; we don’t care about yours.
Fucking in the dressing room. I wouldn't come into your place of work and fuck on your desk. How about having some respect for the store. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve busted trying to get it on in the porn store. Think about this, you probably are not the first couple in the world trying to get their kink on in the dressing room. Yuck, yuck, yuck! By the way, FUCK YOU Cosmopolitan Magazine for giving couples the idea in the first place. Take your lingerie home and go fuck each other privately.

Don’t get me wrong. We love you as our customer. I want to see you return to the store as often as you want. Just don’t be the creepy customer that no one wants to deal with. You've been forewarned; don't make me have to throw your ass out for not having any porn store etiquette.

Jason Vance