If you’ve come to this web site expecting an anti-pornography tirade from a bible thumper’s perspective, move on. This article is not about the danger’s of pornography, it’s about low quality crap that is sent out for public consumption from the porn moguls.

This article/rant/tirade started as I was having a discussion about pornography with my wife after reading this article about the Canadian researchers whom did a study on the "ill effects of pornography". The most interesting point of the articles was the fact that the researchers could not find any male whom had not been exposed to some form of pornography.

With that being said, she asked me how I felt about porn after selling for the last 10 years. She wasn’t too surprised at my answer.

"I fucking hate today’s porn. Period."

It’s the most formulaic vapid tripe that has ever been created. Yes, I am a man, and yes I still watch porn every so often. I actually enjoy erotica much more or boudoir photography over pornography. I am not an anti porno idiot, so I’m no downing on the product. It’s more than 30% of our business in our retail store.

I want to address some issues as to why I can’t stand today’s porn. I want to see a change in direction. I should screen more titles, but one study from AVN suggest that there is over 10,000 titles released each year. If you do the math, it would take over 8 years of my life to screen a year’s worth of titles. So I hope that you can understand: I can’t guarantee the quality (Or lack there of) by screening all 10,000 titles. I couldn't pay someone nought to do this as his member would fall off due to abuse. I don’t think workers comp would cover their penis failure.

The Big Formula

We’ve sold hundreds of thousands of porno’s over the last 9 years. All in all, they’re basically the same thing. The title of the porn is  something like <Insert Race/Race Fetish> <Insert Fetish> <Insert Series Number>. Each one of these sets caters to some persons specific sexual desire.

For Instance, you can have Amateur Asian Midget Dominatrix #24 or First Time Call Girl Bangers #74.  Each studio spits out an enormous amount of this tripe to the little old retailers like Va Va Voom.

The Small Formula

The porn formula is just plain boring. Period. 80% of the titles have the following formula: Begin with swanky porn music to  start the scene (yes, there’s some internet radio stations that specialize in this) Meathead guy meets bimbo girl. They try to have have 30-60 seconds of terrible dialog.

The male gets girl to start foreplay always begining with the female pleasing the male. The female starts foreplay out by unzipping his pants going down on him (why the fuck is it always girl going down on Guy?) After 10 or so minutes of head, the male decided to give back to the female and eventually goes down on her. His technique is usually something between an epileptic having a seizure  and a circus clown trying to have sex. After 2-3 minutes (As we know all girls can get off orally in 2-3 minutes), the male strips the female of all her clothing and starts to slam his penis in her.

Camera angles change and shows the male penetrating the female. The female is screaming in ecstasy. Usually the sound is not synced. After 10 more minutes of "Bunny Rabbit Sex", or for those of you whom don’t know the term, slamming her over and over without regard for her needs or wants, they then switch positions. This usually ends up being anal sex for the female. The male inserts penis in to anus and starts slamming away. As we know, you can just slam the penis in to have anal sex. Not. Yes Virginia, you have to prepare to have anal sex, otherwise you can severely hurt the woman/man.

Scene ends with female eagerly awaiting the "Money Shot" of a man cuming all over her face. She looks into the camera as she eagerly laps up his semen like it was chocolate. Cut. Next Scene.

Same Scene Different Girl

So the porno might be ok, if that was the only scene like that in the movie. It’s never the case. Next scene repeats the cycle with a different female. Switching the male is always an option.

Trends in Porn Freak Me out

Enormous Boobies are not the Norm

Yes, this video caters to your specific fetish. But come on, the specific fetish that you have in mind is not the NORM.  I like a well endowed curvey females. Fetish? Maybe. I have friends that are cubby chases, and I also know of people that can only date women 20 years younger than themselves. The problem with pornography is the creepy dude whom purchases his fantasy fetish think that is the norm for every day life. Porn Fail.

What the fuck is up with the spitting

One of the newest trends in pornography today is spitting. I understand that spittle can be used as an emergency lubricant while a woman is giving a  guy head. Come on it’s 2009 and there is HUNDREDS of different types of lubricant that you can use. Some of the flavored lubes are very good.

What’s freaking me out it when a make performer spits on the female. Is that really fucking necessary? I think not, If she’s into you, she’s going to become aroused and wet.

No, I don’t want your dick in my vagina after you had anal sex with me.

Now I’m not against having anal sex. It’s something different. However, hygiene is important to me. The anus us full of Escherichia coli bacteria. I will not have vaginal intercourse after having anal sex. It’s done for the day period. Time to wash up and say that you had a great time and go on with your day.

This brings me to ATM is sex plain gross. For those of you whom don’t know what ATM stands for it’s "Ass To Mouth". You can insert your imagination here. You don’t even want to hear how I feel about rimming.

Old Dudes & Young Girls Weirds Me Out

Of all the fetishes and desires, the Old man with the young girl is just plain creepy. Yes, I’m a man and age/beauty is important to me, but come on, do us all a favor and don’t produce 5,000 titles of young school girls getting it on with the old man. I have a daughter and if she ever dated a man 20+  years  her age, we’d have a problem. It probably has something to do with I have daughters.

Cuming on her face

Is this really necessary. Why doesn’t porn end with a man coming inside of a woman instead of on her face. I know that I have the most intense organs while penetrating a woman vs. Pulling out. If I did this to my wife, she’d literally kick my ass. Sex should NEVER be degrading (BDSM Is not about sex). It about two consensual adults having a bit of fun with each other. Period.

Finally: Yes, Your super specific fetish probably freaks us out.

As you would guess it, some of your fetishes at the store freak us out. Mr. 50 Year Old Male, yes it freaks us out when you purchase 30+ porns a month. TO mister bondage, yes it’s kind of out there. I always have to remember that it takes all kinds to make the world go round.

I’m not asking the porn industry to change overnight. It’s a free market and there is a market for all types of porn. I would just like to see a few more porns that are more directed towards a couple. Acting is at least B moving quality. Actors and actress are normal or proportionate people. The build up before sex is good. Sex is within normal extents and climax is normal.

What do you want to see in Porn. Let me know in the comments.